he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
