Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
