Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
17 year olds will be the death of me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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