If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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