I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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