I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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