we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
