I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dick very happy bro
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
