dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
