I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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