my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
