If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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