Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
