she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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