my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
