I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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