This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
