Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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