I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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