I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
