I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
