I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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