You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
