the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
