I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
