Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
