I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
