apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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