I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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