I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My cat gives me a boner
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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