Your face is a jimmy john
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
