i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
