Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Randomize