its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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