I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
