Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
