I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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