I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
please don't ironically join a cult
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