Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
