Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
