Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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