worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
