I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
