It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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