Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize