No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
