so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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