The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm at about main and main street
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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