Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
