Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
