I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
