I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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