im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
