Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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