New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
