everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
