A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
