You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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