you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
