I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We are all done wearing pants today
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
