just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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