wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
