By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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