i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
