Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
