I'm really into asian looking animals
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
