he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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