you mean i was at the winter classic?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
