i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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